Embracing the Feelings

12 Sep

I’ve noticed some things lately. I’m trying to do more of that. Noticing things. Rather than just going about my day and sloughing off whatever comes my way. I’m trying to embrace the feelings – good or bad. And look at them. And ponder them. And maybe come to some conclusions. Or maybe not.

I’ve been having a hard time again lately. Not quite sure why. My ego is bruised at work, but that isn’t really anything new. I am struggling again with finances. Not sure why that is either – lots of fees and payments for things, I guess. School photos, special meals, car upkeep, gas…mostly gas. Driving around in a not very gas efficient 1999 mini van is killing me. I really do cringe at the thought of getting another car, though, after the last time I went to a car dealer and they laughed at me. Seriously. Laughed in my face. That was when I found out the mortgage wasn’t being paid. That was 3-4 years ago now. I’m not looking forward to going back to a car dealer.

So anyway, I’m looking seriously at this lack of funds thing. This has probably been the longest stretch we’ve gone at scraping money together. My check on the first didn’t last long at all. It usually doesn’t with rent coming out of that one. But insurance went up this month too for some reason. Wasn’t expecting that. So last week we started scraping money. I had to send a payment in for the boy last week that consisted mostly of change. Because I didn’t have any actual dollars. That was a new one. The girl and I took $15 and went grocery shopping – stocked up on as many $1 items as we could find. Got the cheapest milk we could find. Cereal goes a long way. Bag of chicken patties was our splurge item at $5 for the bag. But you can do multiple things with chicken patties. (We did this weekend!)

After that I took my last $20 and put 5 gallons of gas in the van. That was last Thursday. Friday I had to drive all over kingdom come for work. My $20 in gas was gone. That $20 lasted about a day. My reimbursement for gas won’t come until September 22nd. Luckily, my neighbor once again, bailed me out with gas and filled up my car for me. That makes me very nervous though. I’m not sure how I can pay that back. A full tank of gas is a luxury I just can’t afford anymore.

That’s the kind of thing I’ve been thinking about lately. The little things that I’d never ever considered before I had to. About how people live in situations like this. Whether of their own making or not. My number one priority now is gas in the car. To make sure I can get to work and get the kids where they need to be. Food is number two. Making sure I can feed the kids something. Planning what I can make that might last a couple of meals. Nutrition certainly takes a back seat when you are scraping. Cheap food is all carb-laden. Eggs are good. We had those yesterday for brunch – another good way to go when you are trying to conserve what you have. Combine mealtimes.

I’ve been existing on coffee and water at work. I did find two dollars in the purse that I rarely use over the weekend, but those are like gold bars right now. I don’t dare spend them. I’ve got to make it through another 4 days until payday. And don’t get me wrong. I know I have friends out there that would help me out if I would ask. And it’s not that I am too proud to accept help. I’ve accepted a lot of help already. That is part of my resistance, but mainly, and I know this will sound absolutely crazy, but I am embracing this time in my life. I am going through this for a reason. I chose to leave my seemingly “normal” life where everything looked fine from the outside but was in disarray on the inside. Things are in a different sort of disarray at the moment, but I wouldn’t change it for the world.

I know that sounds absurd. But as I said above, there is some reason for this.

Gratitude for what I have.

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